When I was a young man 
I didn't like to dance 
I was shy 
I'd stand against the wall all night 
I'd never take a chance 
So afraid 
I wouldn't get on that dance floor 
Unless I was really drunk 
10 shots 

But I found a place where the stars hang out 
And they taught me how to funk 
Real nasty 
It ain't too far away 
It's just on the edge of town 
Nearby 
But be ready when you get there 
'Cause these folks don't fuck around 

You can 
Rub your belly with Liza Minelli 
Covered in jelly, you're gonna rub your belly 
Jiggle your droopy balls with singin' Lou Rawis 
Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls 
Grind your hips with the blond guy from CHIPS 
Lick your lips 
Stroke it clean with Martin Sheen 
It's fucking obscense 
Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma Betty White 
You'll see the light when your sphincter's tight 

If you don't know how to move 
Just feel the groove 
And dance 
Like you just shit your pants 

Spin like a little girl 
With cross-dressing Milton Berle 
Just give it a whirl, pretend you're a little girl 
Wave that juicy weeno with legendary Al Pacino 
Wave your weeno, even more obsceno 
Knock back a drink with Colonel Klink 
Piss in the sink 
Bounce your beef with Omar Sharif 
What a relief 
Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard Tommy Carvel 
Tommy Carvel gonna make your dink swell 

Then spew all over the room 
With Mr. Jeffry Goldblum 
And dance 
Like you just shit your pants 

Mr. Belvedere 
Fatty Fatty 
Finger in his own rear 
Bernard King 
Basketball, basketball 
Showing off his ding-a-ling 
Swimming Mark Spitz 
Moustache, moustache 
Playing with his hairy tits 

Big Earl Weaver, Tommy Seaver 
Both of them got the boogie fever 
Shit your pants 
You can 
Do the hustle with seven-footer Billy Russell 
Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle 
Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of Mama Cass 
Blast from the past, the ghost of Mama Cass 
Dry-hump the floor with Mary Tyler-Moore 
Pump it sore 
Squeeze your nipple like baldy Mr. Whipple 
Drink some Ripple 
Give it a hearty whack with TV great Victor Tayback 
When you give it a whack, don't hurt the nut-sack 

So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down 
Come to the funkiest place in town 
The stars will show you how to move 
And dance 
Like you just shit your pants