Billy solves his problems by calling up his mom
Heather solves her problems with drugs and Alcohol
Daniel solves his problems with a doctor and the law
But Malcolm has his own way and it's better than them all

'Cause Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw
And he never has the same problem twice
Whether it's a bill or a cheque arriving late
Rancid marble cheese or a steak that's second rate
Awful TV programs or a broken ELvis plate
Or his fiancee who dumps him because he's gaining weight

Aaaaggghhh Aaaaggghhh
Problem solved