"Howdy, folks. This next song is a story of a gal who 
just
couldn't choose between to fellers. One was about the 
nicest
guy you ever met, and the other one, well, he's kind of 
a
dick. Let's listen in as these boys settle it the only 
way
they know how; through singing. And a 1, and a 2... "

Make a choice - will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

I would comfort you when you're sad
Well, I would just leave you crying
I would protect you if a lion attacked you
Not trying to fuck with no lion

I would fight a man for your honor
I don't know no kung fu
I'd carry you across a muddy field
Bitch, these Jordans are new

Make a choice - will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

I would read you romantic poetry
I'll leave that shit on the shelf
My love making would be sweet and tender
This thing ain't sucking itself, no

I would take you to the finest restaurants
Here's an old Baby Ruth
I would tell you how pretty you look tonight
And I would tell you the truth

Make a choice - will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

But ba-by, baby
The choice is up to you
So pick me quickly
'Cause I've got shit to do
It's true dear, I do dear
I want you to be mine
But let's be clear here
I'm still not fighting no lion...

[Narration]:
"Let's see what happens next...

Every day I'd say how much I love you
... I would not 
I'd surprise you with gifts and flowers
I'd spend your money on pot, yeah

We would stay up all night just talking
I'd fall asleep when I came
I'd spell your name out with a thousand rose petals
I don't remember your name!

Make a choice - will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

Make a choice - will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

[Narration]:
"See? I told you he was kind of a dick."